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Friday, March 6th, 2015
10:43 pm - Oh hello!
So here we are, living in Germany! Wow... Knowing how far I have come in life, I surprise myself sometimes.

As usual, i'm buzzing from the local brew, but feeling good about myself, life, family, etc...

SHE still invades my memories, but that's as far as she goes. Stuck, in my soul like a splinter. I pull the memory out, but I only find another piece as time goes by.

I accept this, she was part of how I became a man. This much I can deal with, and it's my personal thoughts.

Life though, so quick, so fast... Here I am, nearing the mid area of my life. Knowing it will be shorter than others, but that is how life works.

I used to write this for others, but they have all gone. Instead, I write this for you, who ever you are.

nite nite tv land.

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Saturday, December 20th, 2014
12:08 am - I can't see it....
3 Years ago I wanted to go to Europe. I begged a friend to get me a job there, over and over... He tried but it didn't work. Time went by, I settled back home and the job fell into my lap.

Holy fucking shit... Leaving home, leaving family, leaving my 'life' as I know it for another.

I'm excited, very very fucking scared and happy to give this 'gift' to my family.

Thank you...

current mood: scared

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Thursday, November 27th, 2014
12:54 am - Hello again
Fuck... I had a lot posted but i hit my mouse and lost everything...

Ugh, anyway. Happy thanksgiving folks... or I guess myself. :)

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Tuesday, May 20th, 2014
10:50 pm - Oh hello
Heya LJ, I'm back!!!

The last two weeks have been hell wife wise, she's so pissy and loves to spread her unhappiness. I guess I hit a low today when we started fighting after 30 seconds. I sucked up it and said sorry but I'm just tired of the bullshit.

The house has been strange again, to the point to where I'm uncomfortable. Last night we had some crazy noises in the bedroom that still has me thinking. I smudged the house, with a lot of feeling, that should hold us off again for another 6 months.

Well, just the usual bullshit today... Time to fill my glass and go to bed way too late again.

Nite tv land...

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Saturday, March 8th, 2014
1:08 am - Hello
Wandering tonight, past where I know I should go looking. Yet, I still look, I still find and I'm still left wondering why. I'm not longer wanting, if there is such a thing.

Dancing in my head is a vision of revenge, pain and suffering. I know i'm better than that, yet I still demand justice. You forgive, but should you forget?

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Sunday, February 16th, 2014
12:27 am - It's about time
I had a moment last night that made me think of LJ and how I used to love posting here. We now paste our lives and stupid doings on Facebook, yet this is where I really pour out my heart. No one knows who I am here, no one to judge and even if they did judge I wouldn't care.

Life has been busy it seems, kids, wife and work... While it's all I do mostly, I can't help but tip my hat at those who have helped me get to where I am now. The home I have is amazing and I still can't come to terms that it's something I did, I worked hard for and finally got that break I always wanted.

From where I started in my parents basement, hour after hour during the night. To being a parent myself, paving the way for my children's future, making sure they have more than I did.

I do miss my online life... All my friends have come and gone, with only a few that I still talk too. I was soooooo popular (online) yet now life has changed and I'm lost online like I was in public so many years ago.

I promise to be back more often, at least I'll try. While I didn't have many LJ followers, I did have something now and then...

I've been on a youtube kick for a bit. I'm dying to post my own videos, talk my heart out... Again, I like the "anonymous" portion, no judgement from real friends. Perhaps one day...

nite tv land.

current mood: complacent

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Monday, December 3rd, 2012
10:58 pm - I swear it was you...
I thought I beat it, so long without having to think about you, then today it happens. I only saw her for a moment, but she looked just like you... Nose, eyes.... My heart stopped but I kept walking, almost turning around to take a second look.

Then I look for you online again, friend your husband on accident and quickly cancel my accident. Ugh... That was stupid and so am I for thinking about you again.

At least I have privacy again, big home, nice area... thank you who ever made this possible.

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Saturday, May 5th, 2012
12:58 am - Hai!
Drunken thoughts... As the wine flows though my body, I can conquer the world, yet tomorrow in the morning my soul yields.

It's so late, sorry tv land, bed soon.

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Friday, April 27th, 2012
11:47 pm - 1 year again (almost)
So long since I have posted here, sorry LJ... When I used to post here, I was so alone, but now I have nothing but free moments to myself.

Well, lets give you the years update... I finally did it, scored the job that has paid me the most I have ever made in my life. While the job is great, it's still risky but it's nice (right now) not having to worry about money anymore.

My 20's are gone, the 30's are filled with babies and kids. My daughter just turned 1, my son hitting 4.... Where did the time go?

Not much to post I guess? So much happens, it's almost a pain to bring the last 6 months of my life back. The irony if it all, it's like life made a big circle, but this time I know what to do and what not to do in the circle. 2nd chance? We shall see.

Yes... I struggle with the same things. I'm human, not perfect by far.

Nite tv land...

current mood: accomplished

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Friday, November 11th, 2011
10:34 pm - Hello, is it me you're looking for?
Well, 4 months since my last post... That's not too bad, right?

I love LJ because I can say my true mind here, nothing like facebook where I tend to limited my true mind. Plus the anonymous tone here is fantastic.

It's amazing how much I have grown in the last few years. Two children, a wife and a scared heart that doesn't seem to let go of a few moments in life. Perfect, nothing is perfect, but hell I can try for perfection.

I told my wife, I don't have skill... It's just luck, and I stand by my word.

I have asked God for a lot, will he come though? We'll see, but while I do have faith, I do have responsibility which I am responsible for. God can help if he chooses, but I am the one who brings home food for the family, love my with all I have. Help would be great, but I again being realistic keeps us glued to earth.

Nite nite tv land...

current mood: anxious

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Sunday, July 3rd, 2011
11:31 pm - 12 years today
12 years... Good god all mighty, has it been that long?

You were so soft, I remember my heart racing, panting, the eagerness of your flesh...

Again, I lose.

But, to you, i tip my glass, everything I had ever wanted, I held for at least 2 weeks.

Until next year, to you...

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Sunday, June 12th, 2011
2:04 am - Need vs want vs have
How far down into the abyss can gaze before the abyss gazes back into you?

I have hidden this private journal for so many years, only to pull it out when i'm about to explode with an inability to pour out my inner private thoughts for so long. It's the equivalent to crying for me, so much to exhale, yet so hard to do. Facebook is a voyeurs paradise, with family, loved ones and friends reading anything and everything you post. Here, I have my coveted privacy, the privacy i seek and need...

So with that said, we're at the house this weekend... So nice, 6 acres of no one but wild animals and prairie dogs at the end of the dirt road... I love it! Yet, here I set, leasha sleeping, beana sleeping... Who do I look up?

Yes... Her, with her Facebook profile wide open, almost makes me think she did it so I could see. Does she even remember me? 12 years ago, my pathetic brain that wont let go or is it my soul that wont let go?

I had a long thought to myself, I told myself that it's over, I will never have or see or have anything else to do with her. No matter how much I wish, plead or hope, it's gone. Yes, the pain has long since gone, yet I keep turning back, hoping to see her or a glimpse of what it was.

Funny, I only have pieces and bits of 1999, July 4th the 11 days of esctacy I had after. Maybe it's July that's coming, string up my brain.

Fuck you, I hate you! I hate that I can't get rid of you, a stain in some tiny piece of my brain that will not scrub off. I look and covet that stain, as if it was a holy artifact, some piece of toast that jesus's face was burn on. ARGH!

2 AM, another fine looking girl who's legs I adore from afar.... I guess I should wrap this pity party of a post up.

To the point, yes I looked you up on FB! I wished those lips were mine again, those eyes still haunt me, as beautiful as they are still.

I'm sure this is the booze talking... But I can't let you go... Yet.

current mood: melancholy

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Saturday, January 15th, 2011
1:10 am - Thank you
What ever angel, god or daemon...

I can count how many times I should have died in my life... Yet, i'm still here, stronger than ever.

As the time goes by, I know now I'm here to provide for my family, children and wife. I'm almost 100% positive, without them, I would be 6 feet under.

So, taking the hint, I will provide until my hands curl and can no longer move.

nite nite tv land...

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Friday, November 12th, 2010
11:19 pm - Oh hai
Well... As usual I've been ignoring you Mr. Livejournal...

I have no idea on what to say anymore, I find it amazing yet almost surreal how life takes you where ever it it goes. To glance at the mirror today, and reflect 5 years ago, I'd be rolling in my bed, yet here I am...

I find myself going foward, stepping where I used to only walk when I had a clear path. Yet today, I march on, not knowing, only relying on my skills of life and faith... Faith in God? Maybe, as I have faith, but I don't rely on a church to tell me what to do.

I march only to the beat to the love of my son, I'd give him anything and everything I have. I'm sure this will change as he turns into a teenager and hates me.. Yet, today I'd give him my life, if it meant to save his.

An you, the one who most likely well forever haunt me... I know what's real and I know what will never be there again. I understand now, but yet, I hold on. My flaw, I blame no one else but me. It's that moment I live for, that I can never live again, the thrill, the rush, the knowing that my 20's are gone... I guess I can only thank you, because everything else is a blur. Mostly...

I miss me, but then again, it was me who held me back. The padded room I always relied on... I have broken down the walls, opened up and let the sun in. No longer padded, but more so as a reminder to keep going, rather than stay put.

Good night TV land...
Me

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Saturday, May 29th, 2010
12:21 am - Another year...
My birthday party was awesome, lots of free drinks and lots of memory loss. Leash brought Jess after a drunken call, she was so worried... I was never really attracted to her, but since I was freaking out of my gourd we actually did that *bar* click type thing.

A good friend said, "Every guy is a creep, it's just a matter of not being caught creeping out women."

I say that because, Jess was really huggy, touchy... ever so much toward me. Due to me being inebriated, I fell right into her trap. My fingers felt like sandpaper as I touched and slid them against every exposed skin patch around her waist. The small of her back beckoned to me all night...

We took her home after she was kicked out, but can't remember much after that.

All I remember is trying to be caring, while still enjoying the extra attention from her.

In the morning Leash was upset, I thought it was at me for being so toucny toward her best friend the night before. Eventually, it was about her friend drinking so much, and how she could of died, been raped (again), etc...

I felt like such a creep, almost like I cheated on my wife... While I know it was because I was very drunk, I still in some kind of control.

I guess deep down, ever since I've lost so much weight, I still dont' know if i'm attractive or not. As that guy on Shallow Hal said, "Ugly duck syndrome..."

I see girls look at me, but I always think they are noticing me being *ugly*. It's all I've ever known... Maybe doing this with Jess was a test that I'm too chicken/respectful to do while not being drunk. At the mall, I see all these girls giving me a sideways glance, but yet I'm too afraid to look back at them and smile. Are they seeing me as, "ugh, he's so fucking ugly..." or "oh, damn he's cute..." Unless I can read minds, I have no idea and all the tortures of being a fat kid hang on my back.

I'm drunk... it's midnight and I have to be up at 6:30, nice! :D

As for you... It's been 11 years, you ignored my facebook invite (on our anniversary to-boot) but you're slowly fading away, finally... FINALLY!

current mood: drunk

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Sunday, May 9th, 2010
7:17 am - It's been a while
It's amazing how long it can be before I post on LJ, but again it's my private journal and my sanctuary. Yes, there is facebook, but I need my anonymity to post my true feelings. Sad but true, I miss the old school days of the internet where you only had a handle... Now people are posting their face everywhere, sharing every darkest secret, marking them for life. I guess that's why I keep coming back here, mainly to talk to myself and anyone else who stumbles in and listens.

Fighting off the cold my son has given me, I'm a wee bit loopy this morning with all the drugs in ingested. Thank god I don't have to be productive on a Sunday morning/afternoon. I wonder if I'll get that job offer? I already have the short timers disease, but who knows if I'm going anywhere. How in the hell am I going to live with seeing my wife/son only three times a week? It's moving up, always a cost, at least i'm not going to Iraq...

I thought I seen her yesterday, at least for a moment. The waitress has always been close, but yet I know it's not true. I'm not even sure if I know what it is anymore, just fond memories I guess? I'm doing good though, I guess it's just an escape when I want to mentally get away. Maybe it's just that huge scar she left that never really heals? I guess the only healing is posting here when emotions get too full to bare.

Well, it's been too long and I feel good about posting back on LJ, forgive me for the lapse. It's hard to get privacy anymore...

current mood: sick

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Saturday, July 11th, 2009
2:17 am - When your tears come streaming down your face....
When you lose something you can't replace,

When you love someone, but it goes to waste....

But I always know it could be worse.

current mood: sad

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Sunday, June 7th, 2009
2:11 am - Hello 2 AM!
I miss you 2 AM, remember those moments we had long ago? Lurking time, or game time you never cared just as long as I was there right? Ming on the TV, what ever else I had going on the computer. Just me and you 2 am...

Now it's a box of memories I hold on too... So many boxes, but I know exactly where I hind you. All the fun things we did at 2AM, but then again everyone started to go to sleep during that time. Was it that great at all?

I can't believe I pissed away 2 years of my life... Did I really or was it just another evolution of live I had to deal with?

/sigh

Long time ago, I was reading someone's LJ, and he said, "Life isn't being fair right now..."

For some reason, I have always remembered that moment. I didn't comment on it... But just kept that entry like a 1 dollar bill you never use, but keep in your wallet/purse. I guess I'm using it now. I's not being fair...

When you lose something you can't replace... While I don't hurt any more, my heart still has that dull ache. Good-bye lucy... My baby for so long... Thank you, for you were my son's garden angel. No more pain lucy, time to go home...

Is there a word for the 6th beer in a 6 pack? That's the one I'm on now, the beer that will send me to bed with a warm red nose.

I forgot how easy my mind flows when I'm a bit tipsy... Music in the background, the keyboard feels like an extention to my brain.. Just letting all my thoghts flow... Drunken updates, got'a love it right?

Jamie smelled soooo nice Wednesday night... It's been so many years, but I remember our moments before we went our own ways. I think she did too, but she did a good job of keeping her distance. Either it's her husband or it was her know we were both parents and married....

It's funny... We both look at each other, as if we were looking at each other from the other side of a lake. Wishing we were both on each others side... I'm glad we, did stay on our own sides. It's still nice to look though.

Call me crazy... But i swear some chick was giving me the eye at red robin a few days ago. Every time I looked her way, she was looking at me. Was it me? I always ask that to my self, was she looking at me? But when she left, my eyes followed her out and she did give me that last.. "hey baby" look. She was pretty... But my ugly duckling syndrome always tells me it wasn't real...

Some weed would be nice about now... Oh well, that's one thing I can look forward to retirement huh? LOL!

Well, that's enough crazy talk from me... Thank you LJ, without you my head would explode on these drunken updates. :)

current mood: horny

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Monday, May 18th, 2009
10:49 pm - Are we done yet?
I'm tired of working, and I'm tired of waiting for that, well, that... SOMETHING. It's still there, I feel it, but it's only as if I get piece by piece. Being impatient doesn't help either.

I'm tired of my job... Too much stress, not enough pay. Vacations are far and few in between...

It's time for change, but what can I really change that wont impact my family?

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Sunday, May 10th, 2009
1:15 am - 1AM
It's 1 am, and my old lurker side is out like the full moon.

Which side is he? Gem or Ini? (gemini) Both?

Jesus i'm such a weirdo... Ruled by 2 entities, one good one evil. One dork, go by the rules to the T. The other, a bad ass, ruled by sex, tits and what ever the hell he can get a hold of.

Not one single one drives, I guess they both make one person.. Me. Yet they both whisper in my ears, do this, do that.

I guess i've gotten this far with them, time to hold on and see where they lead me now.

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